Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
