I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
