In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
as a side note pls kill me
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
