I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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