i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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