i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
