I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
