I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
