He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
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Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
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It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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