Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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