Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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