perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
