drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
