Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
