We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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