It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
