Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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