I wish I only lived at night.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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