dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
id be glad to
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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