Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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