Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
