do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
