if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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