i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
