You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize