Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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