For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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