Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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