I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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