1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The maid of honor just puked.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
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There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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