does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
kristin has been a bad kristin
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Oh god it's open bar.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
