Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
