I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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