She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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