you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
