You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I need a burrito and a hug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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