my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
