I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
