Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
