forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
His hands were made for my vagina.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
