i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
