I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
