guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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