before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
