The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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