She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
