no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
