i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
