At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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