Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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