One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
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I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
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Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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