I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
you made out with another girl for some wings
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
