I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i need to put some appletini on your dick
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
