just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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