You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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