I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
