well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
